• Time Machine or An Obsession of Self

    Date: 2011.04.13 | Category: Uncategorized | Tags: ,,,,

    If I had a time machine, I would use it to become my own guardian angel. I first thought that if I had one that I would pick an Earthly time period and travel there–not trusting how I would handle myself if it could also travel to alien lands. Then, I thought that I would sporadically show up in my own life and tell myself to keep a daily journal of everything so that later on I could actually remember my life (I basically have a memory that is only working at 60% capacity where as others are normally between 85 and 90%). However, I decided to visit some small, but key moments in my life and give myself the added support that I desperately needed then.

    1. I would visit myself as an eight-year-old child, tell myself that although everything was changing that there were people who really did love me. I’d also really make it clear that a certain teenager hanging around elementary school students is very wrong and he should have been avoided. Now before you go picturing horrible acts, what he did most people just brush off as if it were nothing–but I was a very small, too trusting, and fragile little girl. That moment changed me and made me terrified of people around me. It was like plunging into a pool of water so cold your breath is gone and it took a long time for me to thaw. God makes sure that everything that comes our way is something that we can handle. If his actions had been any worse than they had been, I seriously don’t think at that point in my life my mind would have been able to handle it.
    2. I would visit myself again just a short year later as a nine-year-old. Not even a decade old and depression already had a firm grasp on me. There is so much I would do. I would take my sister and myself away from my mom’s custody. Give us a good meal and some nice clothes. Tell us that we would never have to go back there, that we were going home to a grandmother who loves us deeply and unconditionally. However, my guardianship would end and my future self would end up in jail. So I would show up, protect my younger self from a pit bull that had been circling me. Hug myself tightly and tell myself that to continue to persevere no matter what happens. That, although I’d never believe it, countless people would miss me if I were gone and I will impact too many lives for mine to end by any means other than God calling after me.
    3. I would visit myself in college and tell myself that I was so proud of how I had made it through ok so far–that I was only a couple years away from not constantly living in pain with a dark cloud hanging over me. I’d command myself to spend more time with my grandma–regardless of how uncomfortable I was around my grandpa. I would have told myself that I had very little time left to be with her and to be sure to get as many pictures as possible–videos as well. I’m not sure if I’d tell myself how much she would suffer in the months to come, maybe I could warn her that she’d have an allergic reaction to the chemo. But I’ve never been one to know–really and truly know–when it’s someone’s time to go or time to keep fighting. I miss her so much now and regret that some of the strongest memories I have of her are of her being irritated at me because I was a sassy, know-it-all teen who wasn’t listening to her–though I understand her now.

    If I ever did come into possession of an actual time machine, I would also tell myself to write in journals like I mentioned above, but I’d also consult my sister and give her a chance to heal any wounds that she may have inside of her. Our lives weren’t easy–and yes, we think we’re better people because of it–but some things that haunt us or times where we truly needed help…it’d be nice to know that we could be there for us when no one else ever was.